Why is Marriage so Hard? Reasons & Tips
- By: Jane
Probably you've heard that marriage is like a bird's cage. The birds in the cage wish to fly out, while the birds on the outside wish to be caged. People who are married wish to go back to leading their single lives, while those that are not yet married are looking forward to meeting the life of their lives and live happily ever after!
But is it true that people wish to get out of marriage? Is marriage hard? If yes, what makes marriage hard, and how do some people stick together to the end while others end up divorcing? Read on to get to understand all this.
Why is marriage hard?
The thought that marriage is hard is scary for the unmarried and the newlyweds. However, think of it this way, a good number of people, let’s say 50 percent stay together until death does them part. The difference between the 50 per cent that quit their marriages and the 50 per cent that stick to their marriages depends on how people view marriage.
The best way you can stay in the marriage is to make sense of the marriage puzzle.
Humans are wired to look for the following connections in life:
A partner- this is someone you want to build a life with, establish a foundation, start a family, make your home, establish your finances and your social structure.
A lover- someone you want to share your love and physical intimacy with.
A soul mate- With a soul mate, you feel safe to share with them your deepest secrets that make you vulnerable.
You bet that it is not easy to find all these qualities in one person, especially for the entire period of your adult life. Therefore for the 50 percent of couples that stick together through it all, you can imagine how hard it is to find all these needs in one person, right?
Because it is hard to find all these things in one person, people in marriage tend to look for what they are missing from someone outside their marriage. For instance, their best friends are willing to listen to all their troubles without feeling judgmental or hurt.
No matter how much you have a fantastic partner, it is hard to find all the needs in them at all times. However, the following is what makes the difference between the 50 percent who make or break the deal.
When looking for the fulfillment of your emotional need elsewhere, some people choose to manage the lack of what they are missing in unhealthy ways that end up being destructive to their relationship with their spouses.
However, some couples are more determined on the aspect of 'building' or 'saving' the marriage and destruct themselves with activities that are not destructive. Some people engage in a lot of work day in day out, cleaning the house, working until late, playing with kids, and other aspects of life.
From this point, it is easy to forget about the lack of emotional and physical needs you are missing in your marriage. You get too distracted to dwell so much on them. Even with couples that seem to have an excellent relationship, they also have moments when they experience dissatisfaction from their partners, either physically or emotionally.
What follows? You start feeling emotionally detached, bored, exhausted, and unnoticed. Some couples find ways to bring back happiness in their marriage. Individuals can find ways of maintaining a healthy relationship/ spouses should be honest with each other and with themselves about their feelings and try to find ways to work on their relationship.
Also, one or both partners can choose to stay out of the marriage mentally, physically, or emotionally. Such happens a lot! People can turn to alcohol, work, sex, or a physical or emotional affair with another person so that they can take a break from the monotony of their marriage.
While talking to each other, listening and understanding your partner, and compromising is easy, some people find it exhausting, and they decide to take an easy way out of looking for joy, passion, and happiness that you once found in your marriage elsewhere.
Marriage, therefore, is hard.
Life is hard, so marriage is hard as well. Furthermore, humans are very complicated; they tend to cover their weaknesses, fear of loneliness, confusion, and shame. People do not like talking about their worries, and they tend to ignore that, affecting their spouses later on.
Tips for how to overcome hardships in marriage
What tips can a married couple employ to be among the 50 percent that sticks together? There is no single way to apply to everyone because different spouses have different natures of problems.
It is hard living with the same person year after year. However, accommodating your partner's imperfections and failures needs a lot of love and patience. It is essential to realize that it is not easy either for your partner to accept you. Also, people change with time. These tips will help you hold on to your marriage instead of picking up the phone to call a lawyer.
Keep appreciating your partner.
After staying together for so long, the kisses that you shared after a long busy day will slowly turn to a peck on the cheek or nothing at all. You may become too busy to get up and hug your husband when he arrives back from a business trip.
Being too comfortable with your partner can pose a very great danger to your marriage. Many men cheat because of emotional dissatisfaction and not because of sex. When men do not feel appreciated, they fall victim to the advances of other women who show interest in them. Hey, this works the other way as well.
Practice being honest even if it is uncomfortable
If you plan on doing something, maybe with the money you have acquired, or you have been saving, and you keep hiding such plans from your partner, such issues eventually come to light. If you take a home loan and fail to tell your spouse, you will find out that they will ultimately find out after some time from the creditors. Money issues can destroy a relationship, and they can lead to a divorce.
Maintain intimacy in and outside the bedroom
Intimacy does not only mean sex or completing the action on the kitchen counter. Such habits fade with time in marriage. Simple aphrodisiacs like watching and kissing at the beach or going shopping together can help to ignite the romance in your union.
When your spouse falls sick, be by their side and keep them company through the pain. Do not listen to what others tell you about overdoing the intimacy in your marriage. Most of these advisors will propel your marriage to doom.
Appreciate the little things
Avoid keeping a scorecard of who did what and who needs to do what. Thoughts and phrases like “I agreed to quit my job for us once now it’s your turn to quit your job for us” make a relationship seem more of a competition.
Tit for tat is a childish affair, and it will not help anything but reduce the trust between you if you must keep a score, then record the good things that your partner has done and thank them, the chances are that they will see the hint and reciprocate.
Mind your appearance
old with children under your belt, it is easy to ignore the way you appear.
Think of when you met your partner, would you have gone out with a creased
shirt and sweatpants without brushing your teeth? I guess you said no. you do not need to look
like Rihanna every time you are at home, but I have seen many couples change to
being too careless with their looks after their marriage, do not be among them.
Groom up for your partner, and you will see the magic.
Nurture relationships outside your marriage
Go on girls’ trips even after you have been married. Allow some time off from your home, kids, and spouse, and have some time off. Marriage, like work, needs some time off so that you can re-energize and lose some steam.
The new experiences you share with your friends and sharing happy stories will help reduce stress, and you will be in a better mood afterward. Marriage should not be your only relationship, have friends and get time for them.
Watch your words
Words can leave a permanent mark; no kidding! Therefore, while communicating with your partner ensures that you watch the words you use. When correcting your partner, avoid words like "you never," "you always" because they will make them feel unappreciated, unloved and it will end up in a fight and a long-term misunderstanding.
It’s better to try and save the ship before it sinks. However, when you are in a marriage where you suffer mental and physical abuse. There is no need to risk your safety and your life for an abusive marriage. An abusive marriage risks not only your life but also the lives of your children. When you feel that your spouse is abusive, it is better to call a lawyer and arrange for a divorce.